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Diabetes (still) fucking sucks.

January 6, 2012

The most important thing a person can have is their health. I’ve never abused my body yet I got a disease. A disease I ultimately have no control over. A disease I didn’t choose and can’t change. A disease I didn’t deserve. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of eight.
My body and my soul are exhuasted from diabetes. That’s why I wanted to die before.
I think there has only ever been one person that understood me. It was a doctor and she was sincerely concerned and asked why I tried to kill myself…
I told her I was tired and just couldn’t do it anymore. I told her I was tired of injecting insulin myself everyday and that my body didn’t feel good.
Her eyes were filled with tears and she said it perfectly and simply- “You’re exhausted. I understand.”
My favorite post secret is the one that says ‘I want my childhood back from type 1 diabetes.’ I can relate.
I never got to be a normal kid because I had to deal with something so adult- managing a diet and watching what I eat…and carrying prescriptions with me. Other kids thought I was kind of strange.
I never met another diabetic through all my years of school. Not in elementary school, middle school, high school, or college either. I was the only one. I was all alone.
Now as an adult, I’ve had diabetes for so many years that the malfuction of the pancreas starts to affect my other organs. Diabetes affects the whole body. It drains my body.
I think every diabetics biggest fear is probably the disease starting to effect circulation of the body. This can lead to foot/leg amputation. It’s common for diabetics to be amputated. It’s also common for diabetes to affect eye sight and the blood vessels in eyes. Diabetics often go blind. All of these possibilities fucking depress me.
I never get a break from it.
Who wants to live with no legs????
Or no eyes to see things?
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want people to *understand* that things are not *that* good for me and diabetes is hard to deal with.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Mike permalink
    January 28, 2012 1:53 pm

    I know how you feel, kiddo. All of my concussions have left me exhausted, yet unable to sleep for years now. I don’t always have control of my emotions and sometimes I think about what hot lead would taste like. I know it’s tough, but you’ve got a little one, now. You have to be strong and work everyday to make sure you see every sunrise.

    I haven’t seen or heard from you in a few years. I don’t know how I remembered your blog title, but I’m glad I did. I hope you’re doing well.

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